Parenting 101

Wow...this is old. I found it when I was going through some old files. I wrote it many, many years ago:

Nothing you read can actually prepare you for motherhood. Granted, it will help, but only in a broad sense. You can say good-bye to sleeping in, uninterrupted, hot dinners, and spending money.

So forget, for a moment, all the books and stories you’ve read that with “How to...” or “What to expect when...”. These books are helpful, but here’s the way it really happens:

Day One: You’ve had your guts ripped out less then 24 hours ago and all they offer you is Tylenol. There’s a reason for this. They’re saving the sedating drugs to numb you when your kids become teenagers.

Day Two: Remember when you were still pregnant? Your face glowed and your hair was shiny and full of life? Today you are longing for those things. The books warn you that you may miss being pregnant. What they don’t tell you is that when you are no longer pregnant you undergo a hormone change that dulls your hair and transfers those oils right to your face.

By the sixth week you’re definitely enjoying motherhood. You’re watching a personality form right before your very eyes. This is also about the time you can expect to stop crying over everything.

The relationship between you and your husband will change. Remember a lifetime ago when you used to have candlelight dinners at romantic restaurants and a quickie was something you did for fun? Well now the two of you will be delighted to share a hot dog and a loving look in the same room.

Soon you will be facing life with a toddler. Now is the time you can look forward to going out to eat again. Not to a real restaurant, of course, I mean the kind of restaurant that serves such culinary delights as dunkin’ nuggets. Everywhere you go you’ll ask the same question that mothers have asked for generations: “Can I have extra napkins with that?”

Enjoy this next phase because now you’re the hero (this won’t happen again until your child is an adult). Your little darling will be so proud of mommy that you’ll be volunteered, on numerous occassions, to bake 50 cupcakes for tomorrow’s event. Like I said, enjoy this because by the time they turn seven they will no longer be able to kiss you in public.

By second grade you’ll child will want to join every activity that will accept him. This not only means that you’ll be shelling out registration and uniform fees, you’ll also be the chauffeur.

They’ll also be forming opinions now, and voicing them loudly. They won’t like the clothes you pick out, the suppers you cook (this only applies to you if you try to serve your child a vegetable), or the rules you create to keep your home running smoothly. All the books say they need and want the rules you set for them. You need to read this in a book because you wouldn’t guess that by their behavior.

About this time a lot of parents consider having other children. This is because you’re already starting to undergo visible signs of brain damage.

With or without all those books to tell us how to handle motherhood, I think we’d all get along just fine. No doubt, it’s the toughest job in the world. But if given a choice, this mom would do it all over again.