I somehow thought that after the first anniversary of Christopher's passing that this would somehow get easier, but that's not the case at all. The last couple of weeks have been the hardest yet. I've been having nightmares and back to crying daily. I'm also losing my focus and can't as clearly as I use to.

I try not to talk about it too much at home because it's all so negative and I hate even her myself whine. I will continue to remain focused on the positive and rely on my beliefs. This is just much harder than I ever imagined.

Republican Debate - Abortion Mini-Rant

The Constitution clearly states that you need to separate Church and State so why are they still debating the pro-life / pro-choice issue? I’m listening to the Republican debate and these candidates want to play God. They are saying they are pro-life but will allow an abortion in cases of rape or incest, etc. That’s a contradiction. You’re telling me it’s ok to have an abortion under the terms that you deem ok? Because that sounds a lot like you are letting your church into the constitution. If you gave our young women options at a young age and didn’t just teach abstinence as a solution, you wouldn’t even have to have this debate.

Random Sad Moments

Overall, I think we're doing pretty good healing as a family. I went through a very angry period and now Cory seems to be coming out of one himself, but this weekend I was caught totally off guard at the mall. We went to return a pair of shoes and walk around and went to Bass Pro to look at guns and I was fine the entire time, but as we left I had an overwhelming feeling of loss and here's what triggered it:

I took Cory job hunting to the mall one Saturday and he went to BP Shop to fill out an application. Christopher already worked at the mall and met us there and we had lunch together in this food area attached to the store, which you can only get through from the store and as we were leaving, there was the restuarant and I remember the 1 and only time I was there with my boys and I was completely overwhelmed with the fact that I would never see Christopher again. Ever.

It was all I could do to get out of the mall while keeping my composure. Since Christopher was killed, the mall has been a bitter sweet place for me anyway. Many happy times were spent there...shopping with the kids, visiting them at work and bringing them lunch and drinks, etc. And telling Cory in the alley behind where he working that his brother wask killed.

After much deliberation on where to outlet my grief, I thought the best place to start would be this blog. I've been trying very hard to manage my stress, but it get quite complicated. I think I'm managing well, but then get sidetracked by health ailments that scream otherwise.

Before our first visit to the grief counselor I was on the treadmill, determined to put all my negative energy into exercise, as that's what Christopher would have done, but my husband would come check on me and I'd be crying on the treadmill. It's a little humorous that I'm crying and stressed out through the mechanism that should bring me relief.

It's not working. I feel I need to purge the negativity out through words and I feel bad to speak them because I don't want to add to my husbands or childrens stress levels and grief process, as we all grieve differently.

So here, I can type and type and type out my feelings and feel I've gotten some relief from the stress.