20 Weeks

Today marks 20 weeks since we learned that Christopher was killed. 20 weeks. When my baby was little I counted the time in day and weeks - and now I've reverted to the same thing. I described motherhood to people like this: you find that you suddenly can't live without this person that you met just moments ago. Yet now, I'm forced to do just that.

I can't believe that I've gone this long without him, but the more time passes, the more I miss him. Each clicking of the second hand takes away another tiny piece of my soul.

I can't believe that this is our new reality. I have so much swirling in my head, but when I try to write...it's a complete blank.

I don't want to be a Gold Star Mom

I wish there were never a reason for me to learn what an amazing community I lived in and I wish there were never a reason for my Facebook Army Mom friends to rally to my side. Some drove for hours to come to my sons service. One flew across this great nation. Others made an afghan and I received countless cards from a family of women I have never met, yet we share the strongest bond.

I wish my family never had to know the great kindness of strangers or receive a replica quilt from the Civil War group.

I wish that on June 3rd, 2010, flags in Kentucky were not ordered at Half Staff to honor my son and I wish the Senator Burr never had to send up a flag that flew over the State Capitol.

I wish that July 3rd, 2010 in the Town of Harrisburg that is was not PFC Christopher Ryan Barton Day and I wish my family never had to be the Grand Marshal of the 4th of July parade for my hometown hero.

Please. You can take it all back. I don't want to be a Gold Star Mom. I just want to keep being his mom.

I am amazed at my own ability to function after Christopher's death. I always knew I was a strong person - one had to be to have survived my childhood, but I never realized the depth of that strength until recently. I would be lying if I told you that I thought Chris would go overseas and all would be well. There is not a mom that loves her child and they go to war that doesn't think "what if". The results of that scenerio were not pretty and in the end, it was the demise of my own self.

But the reality is that I have others that depend on me. Most important to me right now, is my youngest son. He has never known a life without Christopher. They were buddies from the day he was born. Always his hero, now just his fallen one.

I have felt guilt for my family for a long time now...like I have taken something away from them. First off, my own time and focus because since Christopher left for Afghanistan, all of my additional resources were directed to him. I used my free time to shop for his care packages, to write him letters, to stalk Facebook waiting for him to get online. I used our extra funds to buy him things and I even now, I use all of my additional energy to grieve.

I don't think it is necessarily fair to them, but I am so self-focused right now - which is completely uncharacteristic of me.

It's been two months and 1 week and while I still cry on a daily basis, I am starting to slowly think again, where before I was simply going through the motions. Much thanks to my Army Moms and especially to my Gold Star Mom friends, who without them I wouldn't be able to function at all. It helped me tremendously to know that other moms felt the same way.

Now to focus on my youngest. He is doing much better. Thanks to those who asked. He expressed great concern to me a few weeks ago because he felt like nobody cared about his or Bryan's feelings and that some would go up to them and ask how we are without even seeing how they, as brothers, were coping.

Some didn't even include Bryan in the grief process at all. I don't know if it is because they are step-brothers or if it is because he doesn't live at home, but that just breaks my heart for him. We are a family and "step" is not a word we use in our home.

Thanks for listening.

Please don't be fooled

Don't be fooled when I am out and happy that my heart is healed.
Don't be fooled when you see me making jokes, thinking I am all better.
Don't be fooled when I am laughing and smiling that I am somehow less broken.
Don't be fooled by the face I put on in public.

The reality is that my life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I will survive this ordeal - mostly due to the fact that I know I have to go on for my other boys, but really because of the strength I get from my husband.

He sees me in my weakest moments, crying and broken and just wants to somehow make it better - even though he knows he can't.

Just don't be fooled.

To the DoD, PFC Christopher Ryan Barton was KIA as a result of small arms fire on 24 May 2010 in the Khwost Provence of Afghanistan. He was, to the Army, a weapon of war. A tool to ensure that our freedoms remain free and the oppressed can become free.

It absolutely breaks my heart that Christopher was without his wife and family for the last 4 months of this life. He needed to be hugged and held and to have the support of his wife – not scared and in a foreign country that thinks it is still 300 B.C. I am having a hard time reconciling the last few months of his life in my mind. I keep saying to myself how much I wished he would have been able to at least come home on his mid-tour leave.

I know he had his brothers-in-arms with him and they are also his family, but I am a mommy at heart and there is a part of me that will forever want to hug that boy of mine.

When he found out his dates for travel, I was asking and praying that we would remain safe until he got back to the states. I just wanted to see him so badly. He kept telling me “mom – I’m going to want to spend a lot of time with Heather” and I would laugh because I knew they would mostly be at the house. He never liked to be too far from home and even though they were making plans to go to the beach for a few days, it wouldn’t have surprised me if he had changed his mind.

I will keep struggling to pick up the shattered pieces of my life because I know that I have to keep moving forward and as much as I harped on Christopher about staying positive in adverse circumstances, I would be a hypocrite if I faltered on that now, but let me tell you, it is a struggle. I have days like today when all I want to do is sit at the grave and cry and I have nights like last night when I see something so personal of his that it causes me to have a meltdown.

1 Month Today

One month...wow. It feels like a lifetime since we got the news. My goal today is to stop replaying in my mind the same message we received over and over again. To many, my son is just a number in the deadliest month in Operation Enduring Freedom, but to us he was so much more.

I got a message from a good friend, whose son is home on R&R from Afghanistan and she told me about some of the struggles they were having as a result of the stress our soldiers are under and I was suddenly sad because I should be having those same exact struggles this week. Our sons should have traveled back to the US together. I should be concerned over how Christopher is handling the stress and I should be having serious talks with him over his attitude and how he can do this and I should be concerned over how angry he gets over simple things or how he snaps at us because he is now home and safe now.

But I don't get any of that. Instead I get grave markers and official reports of how my son was killed under hostile conditions. And I will continue to struggle and fight for the positive in all this because I just did not lose my son, I lost America's son.

My son makes it possible for me to have the freedom to write this blog and for you to read it. He gave me the freedom to make my own decisions and to be a part of this tradition we call America. He gave me the freedom to vote for whoever I want and to turn around and bitch about that vote, if I so desire.

He makes it possible for me to live in a country where bread and milk are everywhere - you don't even have to have a job to afford those luxuries because of him and the freedoms he protects, he'll go out there and fight so that you can get a government voucher for the necessities.

He is not only my son. He is my pride and joy and nobody with a gun or with what I think are insane religious views can take that away. He walked his path with pride. I hope oneday we can all look back and feel that same way.

Today is 4 weeks since my son was KIA, but it feels like an eternity. On 5/24/2010 my life was forever changed. I will never forget that day or how we got the news. Roy & I were having a nice night. It was aMonday evening and we had already eaten dinner. We were upstairs when Beth 1st called. I missed 3 of her calls before she left a message telling me to call her right away. She was crying.

Roy was on the house phone, so I kept going outside to call. I called her & Heather - no one picked up. Roy got off the phone and asked me what was wrong and I told him I just received a tearful voicemail from Beth. His response was to lets go down there now. My rock was in worry mode. This was not a good sign, yet I tried to stay calm.

As soon as we got to Heathers house I saw the official plate on the care and mentioned that to Roy, who says, he doesn't know why, but he tried to protect me by saying "not it's not", even though he realized I would know the trust in just 3 steps.

In that brief moment I said a quick prayer, hoping to God that my son was injured. Alive. Please be alive.

When Beth answered the door she didn't say a word. Heather was on the floor, sobbing, her father and sister comforting her, but crying with her. 2 uniformed soldiers stood silently in front of the fireplace, one fighting his own tears.

I'm not sure if I asked if he was alive or dea, but they made me sit down and confirmed my relationship to Christopher. Then the Sgt proceeded to tell me this story: My son was on a mission. As they were finishing up they came under fire. Christopher had been shot and died as a result of his injuries.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why wasn't Roy making him stop talking? How could this be happening?? I had to get to Cory. he was at work and he had to hear this from me.

I retold the tale to Cory behind the mall where he works.

Beth left her voicemail for me at 7:51 pm and by 9:15 that evening I was on my way home, calling my sisters to tell them that my son was KIA.

In little more than an hour and a half my world would forever change and will never be the same again.

I'm not even sure where to start. Monday will be 3 weeks since my entire existence was changed. I will never forget the night we found out. It is unfortunately ingrained in my soul now and just the mere memory of hearing the words of the notification officer is enough to bring me to tears.

The support that our small town offered was nothing shy of phenomenal. They did not turn out to support just us, but to show their support for every soldier. Hundreds of people lined the streets on 3 separate occassions. Strangers crying and holding flags honoring a fallen soldier.

I could never thank our friends and neighbors enough for the support that they offered and still offer to us. Without them, I'm not sure we could have made it through the first two weeks.

Christopher is buried just a few miles from home, in a poetic spot under a tree, but his real remains are forever in the hearts of those of us that loved him most: Me and my husband, his brothers and his wife.

We have started a scholarship in his name to ensure that once those mentioned above are gone, Christopher's name will live on.

More later...as the numbness fades and the feelings start to pour in.

Bringing our boy home

Day 10. It's been 10 days since Christopher died and this morning he will finally arrive back home. He is being escorted back home by his dear friend. A man who not only grew up in the same neighborhood, but joined the Army at the same time.

Christopher was due to come home on mid-tour leave on June 15 and we expected him home around the end of the month. At that time we were going to have a big bbq with us, his wife's family and the family of the friend mentioned above, the Haskins crew. This was going to be an event to not only welcome Christopher home but to see Austin off as he would also be home for his pre-deployment leave.

I'll face today with a heavy heart, but I have awaiting this day. I need to see my son. I can't begin to have closure without it. At that time I'll be able to start my new journey towards what will become our new normal.

I'll throw myself into a new direction since there will be much to do: I'll have to find someone to build a webpage for the scholarship foundation and try to find enough donations to get that going and than my most important task of helping Christopher's brother start to heal will begin.

I won't be back for a last a few days so please rest easy all and remember the most important lesson in all of this: Life is short. Love hard.

May 24, 2010

A simple moment in time has forever altered my existence. The is the day that SPC Christopher Ryan Barton, 22 years old was killed in the line of duty while serving his country in the Khwost Province of Afghanistan.

He is not just survived by this parents, brothers and wife, but also by much extended family and friends. While his life may have only directly affected a relatively small number of people, his death has affected many.

When I started this blog I was hoping to use it as a cooping tool for while my son was deployed, but really I haven't used it for much. Between work, school and family commitments, little time winds up being left over, but I think that's about to change. A dear friend of mine, whose son is deploying to Afghanistan in July has put together a hometown support group. We'll meeting at my house and I'll start by blogging about our meetings.

On a side note, it has been difficult the last two weeks. While it is easy to say you have a soldier at war, the reality of it is shocking to the system. The everyday dangers that lurk don't overshadow all of our activities that way this does, so my goal is to turn this into a great coping tool.

One thing I want to use this for is to segregate the different needs of the wife and the mom while the soldier is away. There are a lot of resources out there for the families, but what it boils down to is you need to find what works for you.

I'm excited to really use this blog as a tool. First meeting is Sunday the 8th. Pics and more to follow!

Peace out.

People Are Annoying

I find myself getting increasingly annoyed by people in general. I'm on Facebook a lot, even when I'm working because of the time difference. If my soldier gets online, I can stop and chat with him for a few minutes, but more and more lately, I see why our soldiers come back and are so angry.

One person went on and on in their status about how their farm wouldn't load right and how frustrated they were. Are you fucking serious??? My boy is overseas getting shot at. Everyday I pray to my Higher Power that his vehicle doesn't run over an IED and your fucking farm won't load? I wish that could be my biggest problem.

How can we expect our soldiers to readjust to civilian life with incidence when civilian life has been reduced to this?

I don't get it.

I finally got to talk to my soldier!! My constant obsession with Facebook has finally paid off and I got to chat with him for a long time. He's very stressed - I'm sure it's a very difficult adjustment for these guys. My son is infantry and now understands why we wanted him to change his MOS. When all is said and done, I think he'll be able to handle it, but he's one to keep things inside. He thinks by not talking about it he can keep us from worrying, but that's just not the case. I think the general population has a hard time understanding the stress that our soldiers are put through and all that they have to deal with. Unless you've experienced it you can't possibly imagine, so please don't be too quick to judge our troops.

These men and women have given up more than you can possibly imagine. It's hard to even let them go and I get slightly irritated when people tell me they understand because they just packed their child up and sent them off to college. Sorry. Not the same thing. I've had to worry about a kid (two actually) moving out on their own and yes, I did worry, but nothing like this.

So if you believe in a Higher Power, please ask him to keep our troops safe.

Lunch with an Army Wife

What a great day today has been. It's cold and dreary out, but I had lunch with a good friend and her new baby she just happens to be an Army wife. What a strong group of woman these Army wives are.

It is very difficult to let my son go and have so much faith in his unit, his training and his battalion to keep safe, but even though I have a daughter-in-law, I still never really looked at through the eyes of the wife.

As we had lunch with her tiny little baby, and she told me that she sometimes feels bad for her husband because he's missing out on so much. I guess this is just another sacrice these men make for our country. Not to mention the sacrifice the wives and family make, too.

Shout out to all the Army wives!!!

Rantings

I realize that it was only a day ago that I went on and on about have grateful I am to have so much communication with my soldier, but I was thinking about the internet issue when I was driving home today and I got a little irritated. Internet is available to my son in Afghanistan for $80 for the first month and $55 each month after. Now this expense isn't a hardship for my son. While he's away his wife is living at home and she works, but think of how many soldiers are away whose salary is supporting their family?

These families not only have to deal with their husband and father being deployed and having the stress of war on both of them, but the Army has added another bill to what could be their already stretched out budget.

These soldiers have to pay for too much for themselves. We really ought to do more for them while they are deployed. They have to pay their own airfare to come home - even pre-deployment. That can be very expensive because those with armed service experience know that the government isn't big on letting you know in advance the exact dates of your leave.

There are also a lot of items that the soldiers need while deployed that need to be sent to them. I'm not talking gum and beef jerky here either. Some of the bases are very remote and don't have a PX where necessities can be purchased. This isn't a big deal for some families, but like I said earlier, some are already living on a shoestring.

The government kind of double-dips on their pay. They are paid with tax dollars, that the government than taxes and then charges them fees on what's left for things like the internet, that surely they will pay for if they are away from home.

I'm just saying...

Parenting 101

Wow...this is old. I found it when I was going through some old files. I wrote it many, many years ago:

Nothing you read can actually prepare you for motherhood. Granted, it will help, but only in a broad sense. You can say good-bye to sleeping in, uninterrupted, hot dinners, and spending money.

So forget, for a moment, all the books and stories you’ve read that with “How to...” or “What to expect when...”. These books are helpful, but here’s the way it really happens:

Day One: You’ve had your guts ripped out less then 24 hours ago and all they offer you is Tylenol. There’s a reason for this. They’re saving the sedating drugs to numb you when your kids become teenagers.

Day Two: Remember when you were still pregnant? Your face glowed and your hair was shiny and full of life? Today you are longing for those things. The books warn you that you may miss being pregnant. What they don’t tell you is that when you are no longer pregnant you undergo a hormone change that dulls your hair and transfers those oils right to your face.

By the sixth week you’re definitely enjoying motherhood. You’re watching a personality form right before your very eyes. This is also about the time you can expect to stop crying over everything.

The relationship between you and your husband will change. Remember a lifetime ago when you used to have candlelight dinners at romantic restaurants and a quickie was something you did for fun? Well now the two of you will be delighted to share a hot dog and a loving look in the same room.

Soon you will be facing life with a toddler. Now is the time you can look forward to going out to eat again. Not to a real restaurant, of course, I mean the kind of restaurant that serves such culinary delights as dunkin’ nuggets. Everywhere you go you’ll ask the same question that mothers have asked for generations: “Can I have extra napkins with that?”

Enjoy this next phase because now you’re the hero (this won’t happen again until your child is an adult). Your little darling will be so proud of mommy that you’ll be volunteered, on numerous occassions, to bake 50 cupcakes for tomorrow’s event. Like I said, enjoy this because by the time they turn seven they will no longer be able to kiss you in public.

By second grade you’ll child will want to join every activity that will accept him. This not only means that you’ll be shelling out registration and uniform fees, you’ll also be the chauffeur.

They’ll also be forming opinions now, and voicing them loudly. They won’t like the clothes you pick out, the suppers you cook (this only applies to you if you try to serve your child a vegetable), or the rules you create to keep your home running smoothly. All the books say they need and want the rules you set for them. You need to read this in a book because you wouldn’t guess that by their behavior.

About this time a lot of parents consider having other children. This is because you’re already starting to undergo visible signs of brain damage.

With or without all those books to tell us how to handle motherhood, I think we’d all get along just fine. No doubt, it’s the toughest job in the world. But if given a choice, this mom would do it all over again.

Normalcy is Setting In

Well, normal for me, at least.

I actually had a cry-free day yesterday. Huge accomplishment.

I woke up this morning and I even had an email from the boy!! It was only 2 sentences long, but I was thrilled! They are at thier destination and it's okay to ship stuff. Well, I already started shipping stuff when he left, so he should have his first package in a day or so. My kind of "being on it" personality that normally drives him insane will come in very handy for this deployment because it's my mission to make sure he loves every box he gets from home.

Sure, I sent him some essentials: disposable washclothes, body wash and deodorant, but it's packed full of skittles, beef jerky, gum and all sorts of stuff I'm sure you can't find in the middle of nowhere ... including a ball that can bounce 75 feet in the air. I'm sure you can't have too many of those!

His laptop is on his way and if rumors from some Army wives prove true, he can have internet service on it for only $55/month. Hardly seems like war (said with sarcasm).

I know I've said this before, but can't imagine what it must have been like all those years ago to send your boy off to war and just wait at the train station and hope they show up. Mad respect to all those parents and to all those service men and women out there.

Another blog I read mentioned old and torn up flags (if you ever see this Miss Tia, here's a shout out to you), which is so disgraceful. So if you see one of those flags, please mention it to the owner and ask them to replace it. It'll be our little way of quietly thanking all of the military personnel for thier sacrifices.

A dear friends daughter noticed a torn flag at McDonalds recently and said something to the manager, who apologized and had the flag replaced.

First Contact!

Yeah!! I had my first direct contact from my son. It was only a two sentence email, but still it was something. I'll be happier when I get to hear his voice, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

I've read tons of good things aobut

Sissy's Need Not Apply

Sleepless night #2. I'm learning that sleep is so over-rated! Well, I've learned that lesson once before, when the kids were infants, but it's good to get a refresher every now and than.

I remember when the kids were little and I would wake up every few hours even when they were sleeping and run in and check on them to make sure they were still breathing. Who knew 20 years later I'd come full circle and still be worrying about the same thing.

Oh, or when they only had their license for a year and were able to stay out late and I'd lie awake in bed waiting for them to come home.

Ok..so I guess I have a history of insanity, but I come by that honestly and I have the stories to prove it! The only thing my mother lacked to prove her insanity was a note from her Dr.

Let's take a moment to reflect on what I've learned about myself this first week (yes, it's only been a week...feels like a lifetime): I am neurotic. This is not new news. I worry alot, and I should probably be medicated, but I'm so not going to do that. I can handle this because I am strong (2nd lesson learned), which leads us to the 3rd and final lesson learned: Mommying is not for sissy's.

I don't care if your child is 2 hours or 200 years old, you just want their life to be perfect and it hurts when you have to let them learn lessons or leave the nest, or watch them be sick.

So let's spend the rest of our day counting our blessings and being positive.

Peace out.

Dreams

Wow...I wasn't prepared for the dreams. Apparently, when you spent most of your day suppressing your feelings, they eventually come out anyway...who knew.

I do not watch war movies or know war lingo, but I have been having very vivid war dreams.

Normal Days

When do you get to a point in your life that you go about living your normal day when you have a loved one at war? How do you get back to the point where you feel like it's okay to go about your normal routine and complain about trivial things when you actually fear for the life of a loved one?

Of course, I will never let my soldier know of my fears. I will be a rock for him - just as my husband has been a rock for me, but sometimes, especially when I am alone, the tears just come on their own. The dark thoughts can't be stopped and I have to work very hard at suppressing them.

I have always known that it would be difficult for me to let go of my babies when they grew, but I thought I would have to let them go off to college or to live with a girlfriend. I didn't prepare myself for them to be 12 hours by plane away with no way for me to get to them.

What did parents do all those years ago during WWI and WWII and Vietnam? Before days of internet and cell phones? I know back then children were not as cherished as they are now, but even though many children were born as a way to keep the farm and family going, you can't tell me they weren't loved as much. Being a mom is being a mom. I can't even imagine having to let me baby go to war and not being able to communicate.

Hats off to all those women who loved those babies and had to let them go.

All I ask if that you ask your Higher Power to keep watch over our soldiers.

Love the soldier...hate the war.

Peace.

Emotions and time are a funny mix. When my son left it was so easy to be positive, but as time passed, my mind started wandering and my fears set in. Little by little the anxiety took over and I couldn't wait to hear from him, to the point where I was obsessed with both my phone and Facebook. I knew that the moment I was away from any electronic device, the boy would call.

I am prone to break out in compulsive crying, which is never an attractive condition to have, but so far, I have been able to keep that under control.

My husband has been annoyingly stable. Like a rock...I need someone to have a meltdown with me. Someone to share a bottle (or two) of wine and commensurate with for hours at a time. I have a huge network of fellow PAM's (Proud Army Mom's), but none live close enough.

Note to self: Must add wine to the grocery list.

Still no word...

But in most cases, no news is good news. I do know that he's safe and that other from his unit have called home. Why didn't I send him off with an International Calling Card?? I had no idea. So if you're new to this Army stuff, make a note.

Deployment - Day 1

Hiddy-Ho readers! Thanks for stopping here and checking this out. I started this blog as a way to deal with deployment. Apparently, I'm not very good at this! I'm very fortunate in that my soldier's wife lives right down the road from me (in the same neighborhood even) and I love her to pieces, but I miss and worry about my boy.

Don't get me wrong...I love my country. I LOVE my country, but I feel we are fighting a war we can not win and I don't think 1 single American life should be sacrificed for the cause at hand. I stand by every single soldier. They have my unwaivering support, but I wish every last one of them were back home. Safe. Taking care of us from here.

So hats off to our soldiers. And to all that support them - moms, dads, sisters, brothers...and especially the wives and children.

Much love to all.