I am amazed at my own ability to function after Christopher's death. I always knew I was a strong person - one had to be to have survived my childhood, but I never realized the depth of that strength until recently. I would be lying if I told you that I thought Chris would go overseas and all would be well. There is not a mom that loves her child and they go to war that doesn't think "what if". The results of that scenerio were not pretty and in the end, it was the demise of my own self.
But the reality is that I have others that depend on me. Most important to me right now, is my youngest son. He has never known a life without Christopher. They were buddies from the day he was born. Always his hero, now just his fallen one.
I have felt guilt for my family for a long time now...like I have taken something away from them. First off, my own time and focus because since Christopher left for Afghanistan, all of my additional resources were directed to him. I used my free time to shop for his care packages, to write him letters, to stalk Facebook waiting for him to get online. I used our extra funds to buy him things and I even now, I use all of my additional energy to grieve.
I don't think it is necessarily fair to them, but I am so self-focused right now - which is completely uncharacteristic of me.
It's been two months and 1 week and while I still cry on a daily basis, I am starting to slowly think again, where before I was simply going through the motions. Much thanks to my Army Moms and especially to my Gold Star Mom friends, who without them I wouldn't be able to function at all. It helped me tremendously to know that other moms felt the same way.
Now to focus on my youngest. He is doing much better. Thanks to those who asked. He expressed great concern to me a few weeks ago because he felt like nobody cared about his or Bryan's feelings and that some would go up to them and ask how we are without even seeing how they, as brothers, were coping.
Some didn't even include Bryan in the grief process at all. I don't know if it is because they are step-brothers or if it is because he doesn't live at home, but that just breaks my heart for him. We are a family and "step" is not a word we use in our home.
Thanks for listening.
Wow, that is so impressive that Bryan shared those hurt feelings with you. About how old is Bryan? What he said to you is of the utmost importance, as you obviously knew. Unfortunately, it is a fairly common experience for siblings. For some reason in our culture a lot of incorrect assumptions are made about kids and grief and they are often ignored for some reason. What you wrote about your guilt feelings about your current (and unfamilar) self absorbtion is SO normal at this very early stage of grief. Your posts are elebuent but they also read like a text book case for healthy grieving. (((HUGS to you + Bryan)))
ReplyDeleteBryan is 25...he communicates his feelings well. He mostly talks to his dad and brother, though. I think the boys are cautious to bring the subject up with me because they are afraid of making me sad, so I try to make sure to bring it up, to let them know it's ok.
ReplyDeleteI'm still finding a balance because I don't want to make them sad either.