I don't want to be a Gold Star Mom

I wish there were never a reason for me to learn what an amazing community I lived in and I wish there were never a reason for my Facebook Army Mom friends to rally to my side. Some drove for hours to come to my sons service. One flew across this great nation. Others made an afghan and I received countless cards from a family of women I have never met, yet we share the strongest bond.

I wish my family never had to know the great kindness of strangers or receive a replica quilt from the Civil War group.

I wish that on June 3rd, 2010, flags in Kentucky were not ordered at Half Staff to honor my son and I wish the Senator Burr never had to send up a flag that flew over the State Capitol.

I wish that July 3rd, 2010 in the Town of Harrisburg that is was not PFC Christopher Ryan Barton Day and I wish my family never had to be the Grand Marshal of the 4th of July parade for my hometown hero.

Please. You can take it all back. I don't want to be a Gold Star Mom. I just want to keep being his mom.

I am amazed at my own ability to function after Christopher's death. I always knew I was a strong person - one had to be to have survived my childhood, but I never realized the depth of that strength until recently. I would be lying if I told you that I thought Chris would go overseas and all would be well. There is not a mom that loves her child and they go to war that doesn't think "what if". The results of that scenerio were not pretty and in the end, it was the demise of my own self.

But the reality is that I have others that depend on me. Most important to me right now, is my youngest son. He has never known a life without Christopher. They were buddies from the day he was born. Always his hero, now just his fallen one.

I have felt guilt for my family for a long time now...like I have taken something away from them. First off, my own time and focus because since Christopher left for Afghanistan, all of my additional resources were directed to him. I used my free time to shop for his care packages, to write him letters, to stalk Facebook waiting for him to get online. I used our extra funds to buy him things and I even now, I use all of my additional energy to grieve.

I don't think it is necessarily fair to them, but I am so self-focused right now - which is completely uncharacteristic of me.

It's been two months and 1 week and while I still cry on a daily basis, I am starting to slowly think again, where before I was simply going through the motions. Much thanks to my Army Moms and especially to my Gold Star Mom friends, who without them I wouldn't be able to function at all. It helped me tremendously to know that other moms felt the same way.

Now to focus on my youngest. He is doing much better. Thanks to those who asked. He expressed great concern to me a few weeks ago because he felt like nobody cared about his or Bryan's feelings and that some would go up to them and ask how we are without even seeing how they, as brothers, were coping.

Some didn't even include Bryan in the grief process at all. I don't know if it is because they are step-brothers or if it is because he doesn't live at home, but that just breaks my heart for him. We are a family and "step" is not a word we use in our home.

Thanks for listening.