I somehow thought that after the first anniversary of Christopher's passing that this would somehow get easier, but that's not the case at all. The last couple of weeks have been the hardest yet. I've been having nightmares and back to crying daily. I'm also losing my focus and can't as clearly as I use to.
I try not to talk about it too much at home because it's all so negative and I hate even her myself whine. I will continue to remain focused on the positive and rely on my beliefs. This is just much harder than I ever imagined.
Part 1
ReplyDeleteDearest Army Mom -
I doubt that you will remember me but I posted on your blog a few times not long after Chris was killed. I've thought about you often throughout all of these months but I had lost the link to your blog when my computer hard drive crashed. I did not see you posting at the infrequent and random times that I've read at Pat's. My brain finally kicked into gear and I decided to look through the archives at Pat's for the spring of 2010 to find one of your comments and here I am!
I've read through your blog and the thing that is very evident, even striking, is that you write extraordinarily well. I know that this would be the least of your concerns at this point in your grief work but I truly believe that you have the makings of an excellent book from what you've written here. You are acutely in touch with your emotions/feelings and thoughts. You express yourself with such vivid and sometimes raw emotion that your pain and your internal & intelligent process of doing this grief work leaps off the pages. I could not stop reading until I finished. Your writings here are like a model of a “healthy coping” guide out of the darkness. It would be an invaluable resource for so many others. Your perspective is very immediate and clear headed. I believe that what you have written here contains important instructions that are like a guide for how one can successfully navigate through the near total life upheaval of such a loss.
The hell of what you have gone through, since so suddenly losing Chris has a lot of potential to be a huge help to others in a way that a grief counselor or a grief group can not offer. Your personal passage through the maze of this pain is very powerful. I also see it as very positive. Grief is very specific and personal to the person going through it; therefore, all people grieve differently as you have said. We live in a grief-phobic society. The grief process is NOT discussed very much in our society. It can often become a very isolating and private process where many get lost or disconnected and never deal with all the issues that are bound to resurface if just buried. It is no revelation that our society is awkward and ambivalent about death, we have a "get on with it" culture, and insensitive people abound. But there is no substitute for this hard work.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteI really believe that at some time in your future, once the scar tissue on your heart is several layers thick, that you should consider publishing this. While there are hundreds of books available on the grief process there are very few that feel as real to me as your writings here. As well this was a traumatic and sudden loss which involves a more complex grief profile and very few books available on this grief niche, IMO. I'm an RN & work in hospice so I have read many dozens of books on death and the dying process and the grief process. Some have been very helpful to me on a professional level but that is 360 degrees different than a personal loss, especially the loss of a child. This blog (book) would have been immensely helpful (like a life line) to me yrs ago when my own daughter died.
I believe that your grief process may be more complicated (as anyone’s would be who lost a loved one through war/murder/violence / motor vehicle accident). To think how many parents/families have walked in your shoes during the last 9 yrs is truly mind numbing.
There is so much that personally rings true to me in each of your posts here. It was very validating for me and my loss was many yrs ago. Not one bit surprised that the 1 yr marker (which you incorrectly assumed as did I) would prove to be some kind of ending of the most intense pain and upside down feel of my life). And for many people it is but I did not experience that at all. My experience was closer to yours and I found it a little scary because other family members & people in my grief group did have some real relief at the 1st yr marker and just as you said, you did not want to interfere with their own progress and thus your gem of a blog. I’ve personally found that there is no definitive timetable for grief—it is based on the individual and the composite of their life.
The fact that you never had time to prepare or say goodbye does complicate the grief process, as I’m sure that you know all too well. Chris was NOT age appropriate for death which also makes the loss more painful. The time frame for grief with the loss of a child is often much longer and there are no rewards for speed to normalize one’s experience.
“We are healed of a suffering only
by experiencing it to the fullest.”
(Marcel Proust)
Part 3
ReplyDeleteI got the feeling from reading one of your posts that you came to believe in your self and your personal grief process in part because Chris always believed in you. Maybe you meant nothing like that but that’s what I thought you described. If my interpretation is even close to accurate I think that is a very good thing. I know that I found it helpful to remind myself that: “I believe in me because you believed in me.” (you being my child)
This blog is such a beautiful tribute to the wonderful mother that you are and to your extraordinary son that was killed in Khost. It seems that you have faced head on every moment of this horrendous waking nightmare and with a lot of grace. You have not compartmentalized your anger, sadness, depression, nightmares, tears, pain, muddled brain, sluggish physical symptoms, anxiety and all the rest that encompasses the intensity of the grief work. You have stayed very internally aware of all of it unfolding and are successfully choosing healthy coping mechanisms throughout your grief process. It is so exhausting but the alternative would only cause you serious problems in the years ahead. You have bravely documented a very positive route/map for surviving this, wounded and damaged but essentially intact. That is why I believe that your son would be so proud of you -- he would keenly be aware of the depth of sorrow and pain that losing him has cost you all. He was a stand out of a man and I definitely agree that his smile lights up a room.
I think that the intensity of the loss that you feel and the longing to be with Chris and missing him will never really be vanquished but it will be blunted. You will definitely feel mostly like your "old" self again in time. Your writing shows your intention to honor Chris throughout this painful process. I believe that this grief work is a beautiful tribute to who you are and the type of special man that Chris was. He accomplished a great deal for such a young man (22, IIRC) - paratrooper, Special Forces, infantry and I can only imagine how much more he did in his very short lifetime. I have also thought about Heather and wonder how she is.
I hope that my comments do not disturb you. That would never be my intention. I'm so proud of you & Chris.
Best,
NancyB
Hi Nancy,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that I am just responding. I haven't been here since I last posted and I've been thinking about blogging again so I came here and saw your messages.
You very kind words moved me to tears and I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me. If you get this, please email me.
this.army.mom@gmail.com